It’s a tough question to tackle: why do some men, even those in seemingly happy and committed relationships, cheat on their partners? Infidelity can ultimately lead to divorce or damaged relationships, and is often a source of deep regret. Surely preventing it would make everyone’s lives better, right?
Remember the story of Hugh Grant? Back in 1995, the actor was arrested for hiring a prostitute, despite being in a committed relationship with the stunning Elizabeth Hurley. It left many wondering: what was he thinking? But it’s not just about famous actors. People from all walks of life make mistakes – so why are some men more prone to infidelity?
One possible cause: the male rat
The answer might just lie in a study of male rats (the rodent kind, not the cheating kind). Researchers found that while male rats will copulate enthusiastically with one female rat, the moment another new female rat is introduced to them, they lose all interest in their current partner and move on to the new one. This cycle continues: fresh enthusiasm for a new partner, losing interest, and a revived interest when a new female is introduced.
And it turns out that humans aren’t all that different from rats. During the first two years of a relationship, sexual activity (three or more times per week) has been reported to be 67% among gay couples, 45% among heterosexual couples, and 33% among lesbian couples. By the time ten years have passed, these percentages plummet to just 11%, 18%, and 1%, respectively.
One reason for this decline in sexual interest could be the decrease in testosterone and human growth hormones levels, which typically begins around the age of 30. Some men claim to feel more energized and “manly” when they’re involved with a new and younger woman (or even just a new, age-appropriate one). Cheating is thrilling and offers men another chance to feel youthful… or so they think.
Facts and figures
According to the 2017 Infidelity Statistics:
- In over a third of marriages, one or both partners admit to cheating
- 22% of men admit to cheating on their significant other (compared with 14% of women)
- 36% of men and women have an affair with a coworker
- 9% of men admit they might have an affair to get back at their spouse
What is cheating, exactly?
When discussing infidelity, it’s important to define what “cheating” actually means. In a National Public Radio interview on the subject, data expert Mona Chalabi reported that 76% of women felt sending flirty messages to someone was cheating, while only 59% of men agreed. Interestingly, there was more mutual agreement when it mentioned one-night stands, with 93% of women and 91% of men agreeing that this was infidelity.
Couples psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests that an individual’s infidelity might not always be a reflection of their relationship, but rather a result of their own internal issues. They might be longing to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, longing to escape from a sense of deadness inside or looking for a sense of autonomy and control in their lives.
For those contemplating infidelity, or already engaging in it, it’s worth heeding Ms. Perel’s words and delving deeper into the reasons for these desires:
- Recognize that the urges are normal (like rats, men’s interests often wane)
- Identify what you’re looking for (attention, novelty, validation, respect, more passion?) and
- Work with your partner to restore or bring what you feel is missing into your current relationship.
The grass may seem greener with someone new, and the excitement of a new relationship can be hard to resist, but the consequences of infidelity will inevitably catch up with you. Studies reveal that 69% of divorced men wish they had worked harder to keep their marriage intact, and a similar number regret having an affair in the first place. The novelty and excitement of a new relationship may seem appealing at first, but life always returns to normal, and you might just end up back where you started – except this time, likely alone and worse off financially.
